Practical Politeness

By: Sean Savoie 

            While living in Japan, I came to fully realize that being polite and being friendly are two completely different things. At that time I was shocked to discover how polite yet cold people could remain day in and day out. I found that my jaw hurt at the end of the day from smiling politely for long periods of time, and many Japanese people in a very kind manner informed me that I must practice smiling by putting chopsticks between my upper and lower jaw. The very concept of practicing smiling is enough to put a huge smile on my face, yet this smile is genuine (the way I like my smiles served and received).

            Generally, in America, and more specifically in NYC, smiling is less considered a form of politeness because of sarcasm. Much like a person can laugh with you, sharing your joy, or at you, enjoying your discomfort, a smile can have many meanings. It is true that in Japan a smile can also have many meanings, such as when a Japanese man knows that he is in trouble. Clearly comprehending the intended meaning of this kind of body language is crucial for gaining a firm understanding of cultural behavior.

            Cultural behavior is also firmly rooted in linguistics. Both Japanese and English have different levels of politeness built directly into the use of verbs in language, Japanese having such polite forms even expressed at the level of verb conjugation, with the more polite sentences becoming longer and longer. The subjunctive voice in English, as we began to study last week, also makes sentences longer. Compare the following: 

            (Imperative) Please open the window.

            (Subjunctive)  Do you think it might be better if we opened the window? 

            This is in contrast to Mandarin Chinese. Chinese speakers will offer a reason to support a suggestion (such as: Please open the window. It’s a bit hot, isn’t it?), but this is quite different from the subjunctive “sweetened” forms used in English. Remember that the subjunctive voice is used to create “doubt” about the statement. This gives the other person a chance to disagree without losing face. It is a bit like a backdoor exit for somebody who wishes to express another opinion without creating an argument. Some American women have an annoying habit of raising their voices at the end of a statement so that it sounds like a question, which to me sounds weak rather than polite. (Hello, my name is Bonnie? I work at Macy’s?... etc…) Although it may sound cute to many people, I do not recommend this style of politeness; it creates too much uncertainty when you are not sure what your own name is or where you work. There are other ways to make people comfortable when speaking; in fact, if you are not certain about your own name, I highly recommend a doctor, not a language class.

            Politeness in English should be viewed in terms of its effectiveness, not its friendliness. The most effective way to master the subjunctive in English is to practice the use of modal auxiliaries, often simply called modals, which are the added components to verbs, such as: can, could, will, would, shall, should, may, might, ought to, had better, have to, etc…   Yet using these words is not quite enough. There is no clear boundary between a stronger and softer statement; therefore, the subjunctive is more of a mood or feeling that is created instead of a grammatical tool. Many subtle levels of strength exist, depending not only on what is said, but also on how it is said. The tone of voice expresses just as much as the words themselves. This is also in contrast with Mandarin Chinese, Mandarin having a tone for each syllable. In English, the tones (rising and falling of the pitch of words) create a mood for the listener. So? How is it possible to practice the effectiveness of politeness in English? I suggest examining a comparison of statements that progressively go from firm to soft. Examine this progress below: 

            Tell me about the experience you had.

            Please tell me about the experience you had.

            You should tell me about the experience you had.

            Maybe you should tell me about the experience you had.

            Maybe you could tell me a little about the experience that you had.

            Do you think you could tell me a little about the experience you had?

            Do you think, maybe, you could tell me just a little about the experience you had?

            It may be a good idea, if you wish, to tell me just a little about the experience you had.

             Do you think it may be a good idea, if you wish, to tell me just a little about the experience you had? 

            Of course this exercise could go on to the point where it becomes completely silly, which is exactly how you will sound if you are in a position of power and speak too politely. All of the 9 examples above say exactly the same thing, yet they get progressively polite. The use of “maybe” has an immediate effect on the listener or reader. “Maybe” creates doubt about the statement. Often the words “maybe” and “should” used together can function as a basic form of polite subjunctive. Take a look at the examples below: 

            Take the subway to Manhattan.

            Maybe you should take the subway to Manhattan.

            Get up early tomorrow.

            Maybe you should get up early tomorrow.

            Give me a call when you have a problem.

            Maybe you should give me a call when you have a problem.